My idea of heaven didn’t previously involve Noel Edmonds. But the little corner of New Zealand he bought, runs and is now proudly displaying on ITV1 is so paradisiacal, I’m starting to question my theology. The still raffishly-maned 76-year-old upped his fairly substantial collection of sticks and left the UK in 2018, settling in Ngatimoti, a tiny township of forest, farms and idyllic apple orchards at the north end of New Zealand’s South Island. He bought a vineyard, started producing an apparently pretty good pinot gris, opened a pub, created a “Gratitude Garden” (nope, me neither) and invited the cameras in so the rest of us could gawp enviously, in a Clarkson’s Farm-gone-right kind of way.
But why stop at gawping? The former Deal or No Deal-maker’s River Haven vineyard is open to visitors, and only a 20-minute, river-hugging drive from Motueka, a former fruit-picking town turned slightly hippie-ish holiday spot. I passed through on the way between tourist big-hitters Marlborough (for the wines) and Franz Josef Glacier (for the landing on top of an icefield in a helicopter), but Motueka would make an excellent base for a few days. It’s big enough to have a high street filled with cafés, galleries, organic bakeries and secondhand bookshops but small enough that you’re never more than five minutes from a riverbank, forest trail or fruit orchard.
And the fruit is worth noting. This is New Zealand’s sunniest region (don’t forget that factor 50!), and the warm climate and fertile soils make it a key horticultural hub, with seasonal work bringing a multicultural buzz to the town in summer. Apples, berries and hops (for the excellent local craft beers) all flourish here, but increasingly it’s wine that’s raising eyebrows – and glasses. Now starting to rival the famous Marlborough region, a couple of hours east, the Moutere Hills are home to a growing number of boutique vineyards producing acclaimed pinot noirs and such. Some of the best offer cellar doors for tastings – Neudorf and Kina Beach are names to look out for – and all have the “Come on in and have a glass, mate!” unpretentiousness you expect from Kiwis.
Even the great-outdoorsy stuff is easy-breezy in these parts. A short drive north brings you to Abel Tasman, New Zealand’s smallest national park but arguably its most beloved. Here, golden beaches back onto deep-green native bush, and you’ll find the electric-blue sea dotted with sea kayaks, sailing boats and the occasional fur seal. You can walk the 60km coastal track over several days, or dip in and out on shorter day-hikes (guided, if you prefer). I cheated outrageously, using water taxis to ferry my bag on ahead of me to my accommodation each day – and even, if I’m honest, skipping a couple of hard parts by jumping aboard myself.
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Back inland, you’ve got a couple more national parks (it sometimes seems that New Zealand is 90 per cent national park). Nelson Lakes and Kahurangi dish up more rugged adventures: alpine hikes, limestone caves, Lord of the Rings scenery, and trails where you might go all day without seeing another soul. When locals want to swap sun and sand for snow-dusted peaks and mirror-perfect tarns, this is where they come (leg-numbing dip in glacial lake optional, though the bewitchingly beautiful backdrop of mountains and meadows makes it strangely tempting).
The next national park down is Paparoa, but here I spend much of my time in darkness. Pulling on a clammy wetsuit, I plonk myself into a rubber ring and am borne by the Waitakere River into the Te Ananui cave. The only light is produced by its native glow worms, at a thousandth of a millionth of a watt each. That doesn’t sound much (your fridge light gives off 25 watts, says our guide), but put a billion-odd of them together on a cave roof and you get a glimmering blue-green galaxy of pinprick starlights that is utterly, ethereally unforgettable.
I emerge feeling as if I’ve somehow seen the universe from afar, but it’s back to Earth with a bump when we’re told to “raise your backsides as you go over the rapids in your rubber tubes – unless you want a river spanking!” I don’t (the latter) and do (the former), but all this adrenaline and otherworldliness sends me back towards Motueka and Ngatimoti glad of their quieter, simpler lifestyle.
Edmonds came to River Haven to get away from gunge tanks and House Parties (not to mention Mr Blobby) and watching his Kiwi Adventure, you can see why he chose this part of the world. With its soft hills and slow streams, it’s the perfect place for a “second act” after a busy working life.
But be warned: visiting – or even just watching the programme – will lead to thoughts of emigration…
ITV Pictures | Noel Edmonds' Kiwi Adventure
My idea of heaven didn’t previously involve Noel Edmonds. But the little corner of New Zealand he bought, runs and is now proudly displaying on ITV1 is so paradisiacal, I’m starting to question my theology. The still raffishly-maned 76-year-old upped his fairly substantial collection of sticks and left the UK in 2018, settling in Ngatimoti, a tiny township of forest, farms and idyllic apple orchards at the north end of New Zealand’s South Island. He bought a vineyard, started producing an apparently pretty good pinot gris, opened a pub, created a “Gratitude Garden” (nope, me neither) and invited the cameras in so the rest of us could gawp enviously, in a Clarkson’s Farm-gone-right kind of way.
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But why stop at gawping? The former Deal or No Deal-maker’s River Haven vineyard is open to visitors, and only a 20-minute, river-hugging drive from Motueka, a former fruit-picking town turned slightly hippie-ish holiday spot. I passed through on the way between tourist big-hitters Marlborough (for the wines) and Franz Josef Glacier (for the landing on top of an icefield in a helicopter), but Motueka would make an excellent base for a few days. It’s big enough to have a high street filled with cafés, galleries, organic bakeries and secondhand bookshops but small enough that you’re never more than five minutes from a riverbank, forest trail or fruit orchard.
And the fruit is worth noting. This is New Zealand’s sunniest region (don’t forget that factor 50!), and the warm climate and fertile soils make it a key horticultural hub, with seasonal work bringing a multicultural buzz to the town in summer. Apples, berries and hops (for the excellent local craft beers) all flourish here, but increasingly it’s wine that’s raising eyebrows – and glasses. Now starting to rival the famous Marlborough region, a couple of hours east, the Moutere Hills are home to a growing number of boutique vineyards producing acclaimed pinot noirs and such. Some of the best offer cellar doors for tastings – Neudorf and Kina Beach are names to look out for – and all have the “Come on in and have a glass, mate!” unpretentiousness you expect from Kiwis.
Even the great-outdoorsy stuff is easy-breezy in these parts. A short drive north brings you to Abel Tasman, New Zealand’s smallest national park but arguably its most beloved. Here, golden beaches back onto deep-green native bush, and you’ll find the electric-blue sea dotted with sea kayaks, sailing boats and the occasional fur seal. You can walk the 60km coastal track over several days, or dip in and out on shorter day-hikes (guided, if you prefer). I cheated outrageously, using water taxis to ferry my bag on ahead of me to my accommodation each day – and even, if I’m honest, skipping a couple of hard parts by jumping aboard myself.
Back inland, you’ve got a couple more national parks (it sometimes seems that New Zealand is 90 per cent national park). Nelson Lakes and Kahurangi dish up more rugged adventures: alpine hikes, limestone caves, Lord of the Rings scenery, and trails where you might go all day without seeing another soul. When locals want to swap sun and sand for snow-dusted peaks and mirror-perfect tarns, this is where they come (leg-numbing dip in glacial lake optional, though the bewitchingly beautiful backdrop of mountains and meadows makes it strangely tempting).
The next national park down is Paparoa, but here I spend much of my time in darkness. Pulling on a clammy wetsuit, I plonk myself into a rubber ring and am borne by the Waitakere River into the Te Ananui cave. The only light is produced by its native glow worms, at a thousandth of a millionth of a watt each. That doesn’t sound much (your fridge light gives off 25 watts, says our guide), but put a billion-odd of them together on a cave roof and you get a glimmering blue-green galaxy of pinprick starlights that is utterly, ethereally unforgettable.
I emerge feeling as if I’ve somehow seen the universe from afar, but it’s back to Earth with a bump when we’re told to “raise your backsides as you go over the rapids in your rubber tubes – unless you want a river spanking!” I don’t (the latter) and do (the former), but all this adrenaline and otherworldliness sends me back towards Motueka and Ngatimoti glad of their quieter, simpler lifestyle.
Edmonds came to River Haven to get away from gunge tanks and House Parties (not to mention Mr Blobby) and watching his Kiwi Adventure, you can see why he chose this part of the world. With its soft hills and slow streams, it’s the perfect place for a “second act” after a busy working life.
But be warned: visiting – or even just watching the programme – will lead to thoughts of emigration…
Wanting to visit New Zealand? Take a look at your options here - New Zealand Odyssey – North to South Islands | Radio Times Travel