Russell Howard enjoyed a taste of the post-Covid future during a tour of Australia and New Zealand
Russell Howard Stands Up to the World Monday 9.00pm Sky 1
ED GRENBY - 6 June 2021
If someone started telling you about their Trans-Tasman Bubble, you’d think it was a disease,” says Russell Howard. “But in fact the Bubble is the beautiful idea that made it possible for me to go to New Zealand and Australia earlier this year – to perform in front of packed audiences of actual humans, and to make a TV show about these two wonderful, Covid-free countries.” The comedian had to quarantine in an Auckland hotel room for 14 days before he was allowed even a sniff of a barbie, and warns that you might not be able to follow in his footsteps right away: “At the moment you have to apply to the Kiwi government. They only let me in because of the cold hard economics of 3,000 tickets sold a night and the impact on GDP, not because I promised a certain number of laughs per capita or guaranteed to cheer people up 34 per cent or anything.” But it’s worth it, he says. “I felt like I was seeing into the post-Covid future, because they’ve basically beaten it down there. Even aside from that, though, they’re amazing places.” And here are his top five most amazing antipodean experiences…
SAM NEILL’S VINEYARD — OTAGO, NEW ZEALAND
“My favourite part of the whole trip was spending a day at Sam Neill’s vineyard. You can’t currently just rock up there, but if you order his wine online (twopaddocks.com), you can book a visit – and he is the best host, just a lovely, funny, twinkly-eyed man. He might let you massage his pig, too. That’s not a euphemism: he’s got this huge hog that loves getting its back rubbed, and it’s such an enjoyable thing to do. After a while, he was like, ‘Come on, Russ, I think you’ve had enough now’, but I couldn’t stop. My fingers smelled like pork scratchings after, but it was joyous.”
HUNTING A YOWIE — QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA
“The yowie is the Aussie version of Bigfoot – an eight-foot hairy man-beast – and I went out looking for one near Brisbane with this expert. She said we had to leave gifts out to tempt him (which turned out to be fags and a six-pack) but nothing turned up, so she made me wear this white furry coat and make a yowie mating call. “I’m screaming like Björk getting her foot caught in a car door, and she says, ‘Good, but sexier.’ Then she tells me about a woman in the 1800s who is said to have borne a child to a yowie, and I started to panic, took off the jacket and got out of there.”
POPPING A MANU — ANYWHERE IN NEW ZEALAND WHERE THERE’S WATER
“Spectate or participate, you’ve got to experience the manu. It’s a Maori tradition where you find a bridge or a disused marina, and you dive into the water in a kind of V shape, bum first, to make the biggest splash possible. It’s basically what we call ‘bombing’ in Britain, but it’s much cooler and slightly mystical; there’s a real art to it. Tourists go bungee-jumping, but instead you could be hanging out with these brilliant, funny, welcoming kids who basically just eat fish and chips then jump off piers. What a life!”
RACING TOILETS — SUNSHINE COAST, AUSTRALIA
“We went to this pub called The Banana Bender (thebananabenderpub.com.au) – that’s an insult for people from Queensland – near a little town called Palmview, and they have this tradition there of ‘dunny racing’. They put outhouses (‘dunnies’) on buggies, and you have to sit on the toilet while six people pull you along, racing across an assault course – while drinking, of course. The big event is once a year, on Australia Day in January, but there’s usually something going on there. We had a little mini dunny race in the car park and I won some toilet roll.”
WALKING SYDNEY
“If you’re not fed up with lockdown walks, there’s a wooden boardwalk that links the beaches of Bondi and Bronte – and it’s one of the best strolls in the world. It snakes along the coast, among the rocks, and you see these amazing waves and all the beautiful surfer boys and girls bobbing up and down, looking so free and Australian. Eat at Chin Chin (chinchin.sydney), my favourite Thai restaurant, then see the Opera House (sydneyoperahouse.com) because it’s so unique and fascinating. I played a gig there, and was so relieved it went well, because if I’d done a bad show there, I’d be reminded of it every time I saw a picture of the place.”
THE COFFIN CLUB — ROTORUA, NEW ZEALAND
“Coffin Clubs are springing up all over New Zealand, but I visited the original one (kiwicoffinclub.co.nz). It’s just a place where retired people volunteer and make coffins for people who can’t otherwise afford them, but it was one of the most uplifting days of my life – all these lovely pensioners getting together, finding purpose and company, and coming to terms with the inevitable and laughing at it. “I met a woman who’d made three coffins for herself because she kept putting on weight and outgrowing them, and she just couldn’t stop giggling when she was telling me about it. People really are special down there.”
If someone started telling you about their Trans-Tasman Bubble, you’d think it was a disease,” says Russell Howard. “But in fact the Bubble is the beautiful idea that made it possible for me to go to New Zealand and Australia earlier this year – to perform in front of packed audiences of actual humans, and to make a TV show about these two wonderful, Covid-free countries.” The comedian had to quarantine in an Auckland hotel room for 14 days before he was allowed even a sniff of a barbie, and warns that you might not be able to follow in his footsteps right away: “At the moment you have to apply to the Kiwi government. They only let me in because of the cold hard economics of 3,000 tickets sold a night and the impact on GDP, not because I promised a certain number of laughs per capita or guaranteed to cheer people up 34 per cent or anything.” But it’s worth it, he says. “I felt like I was seeing into the post-Covid future, because they’ve basically beaten it down there. Even aside from that, though, they’re amazing places.” And here are his top five most amazing antipodean experiences…
SAM NEILL’S VINEYARD — OTAGO, NEW ZEALAND
“My favourite part of the whole trip was spending a day at Sam Neill’s vineyard. You can’t currently just rock up there, but if you order his wine online (twopaddocks.com), you can book a visit – and he is the best host, just a lovely, funny, twinkly-eyed man. He might let you massage his pig, too. That’s not a euphemism: he’s got this huge hog that loves getting its back rubbed, and it’s such an enjoyable thing to do. After a while, he was like, ‘Come on, Russ, I think you’ve had enough now’, but I couldn’t stop. My fingers smelled like pork scratchings after, but it was joyous.”
HUNTING A YOWIE — QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA
“The yowie is the Aussie version of Bigfoot – an eight-foot hairy man-beast – and I went out looking for one near Brisbane with this expert. She said we had to leave gifts out to tempt him (which turned out to be fags and a six-pack) but nothing turned up, so she made me wear this white furry coat and make a yowie mating call. “I’m screaming like Björk getting her foot caught in a car door, and she says, ‘Good, but sexier.’ Then she tells me about a woman in the 1800s who is said to have borne a child to a yowie, and I started to panic, took off the jacket and got out of there.”
POPPING A MANU — ANYWHERE IN NEW ZEALAND WHERE THERE’S WATER
“Spectate or participate, you’ve got to experience the manu. It’s a Maori tradition where you find a bridge or a disused marina, and you dive into the water in a kind of V shape, bum first, to make the biggest splash possible. It’s basically what we call ‘bombing’ in Britain, but it’s much cooler and slightly mystical; there’s a real art to it. Tourists go bungee-jumping, but instead you could be hanging out with these brilliant, funny, welcoming kids who basically just eat fish and chips then jump off piers. What a life!”
RACING TOILETS — SUNSHINE COAST, AUSTRALIA
“We went to this pub called The Banana Bender (thebananabenderpub.com.au) – that’s an insult for people from Queensland – near a little town called Palmview, and they have this tradition there of ‘dunny racing’. They put outhouses (‘dunnies’) on buggies, and you have to sit on the toilet while six people pull you along, racing across an assault course – while drinking, of course. The big event is once a year, on Australia Day in January, but there’s usually something going on there. We had a little mini dunny race in the car park and I won some toilet roll.”
WALKING SYDNEY
“If you’re not fed up with lockdown walks, there’s a wooden boardwalk that links the beaches of Bondi and Bronte – and it’s one of the best strolls in the world. It snakes along the coast, among the rocks, and you see these amazing waves and all the beautiful surfer boys and girls bobbing up and down, looking so free and Australian. Eat at Chin Chin (chinchin.sydney), my favourite Thai restaurant, then see the Opera House (sydneyoperahouse.com) because it’s so unique and fascinating. I played a gig there, and was so relieved it went well, because if I’d done a bad show there, I’d be reminded of it every time I saw a picture of the place.”
THE COFFIN CLUB — ROTORUA, NEW ZEALAND
“Coffin Clubs are springing up all over New Zealand, but I visited the original one (kiwicoffinclub.co.nz). It’s just a place where retired people volunteer and make coffins for people who can’t otherwise afford them, but it was one of the most uplifting days of my life – all these lovely pensioners getting together, finding purpose and company, and coming to terms with the inevitable and laughing at it. “I met a woman who’d made three coffins for herself because she kept putting on weight and outgrowing them, and she just couldn’t stop giggling when she was telling me about it. People really are special down there.”
ED GRENBY