Susan Calman has been discovering Britain’s top resorts. What have been her highs — and lows?

 

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In this series, you try out seaside pursuits with some star pals. But if you could take any celebrity to any beach, who would you pick? 

 

Oh, no question: Blackpool with Jason Statham. I love Jason Statham. He’s not my secret crush – I have no problem telling anyone and everyone how much I adore him. We’d go to Blackpool for the weekend, where I’d probably just look at him, ask him to talk to me… maybe even teach me how to fight. Have some fish and chips. I’ve got a toy sheep in my van named Jason Statham because I love him so much.

 

 

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You get to eat a lot of classic seaside foods in this show. Can you rank your top three?

 

I can do this immediately. Number one: the doughnuts I tried in Cleethorpes. Just beautiful sugar doughnuts, fresh from the fryer. In second place: fish and chips. Which were the best? Truly, all the variations I tried were lovely. Third: the candy floss I had in Clacton, partly because I made it myself, quite badly. And no, I won’t name the best chippie I tried! What would happen if I went back to one of the other seaside towns? Pickled eggs being thrown at me, that’s what.

 

 

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In Margate, you try fresh cockles. Be honest: were they actually tasty or did you bin them the second you walked out of shot? 

 

Here’s the thing: I knew I needed to try the local cockles. But I have a bit of a problem with weird textures when it comes to food. I don’t like mussels – it’s that sort of chewy texture in the mouth. So while the cockles were delicious, I regret to say the texture hasn’t won me over yet. I kept putting vinegar on them and the lady behind the counter was saying: “No, more, more!” She wanted more vinegar and more pepper on them, so you end up with this vinegary, peppery, chewy outcome. It’s the same with oysters: I’ve sat in beautiful places all over the world while people eat oysters by the dozen and never wanted them. I tried them on Grand Week By the Sea last year, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Let’s just say, in any of my travels and cruises all around the world, never have I had anything quite like a Margate cockle.

 

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You also meet some quirky locals. But if you could swap lives with any of them, who would it be? 

 

Everyone was fascinating, from the guardian of the Martello Towers to a morris dancing expert. But if I had to swap, it would be with the lady who runs a miniatures shop in Clacton. I’m fascinated by miniatures, so I would love to run away and manage her shop. It was full of these lovely, delicate little doll’s houses and figurines; I could have spent weeks there.

 

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One thing we can’t rely on in this country is good summer weather. So which seaside town was best in the drizzle? 

 

I maintain that you don’t need sunshine to have a good time at the seaside. Perhaps it’s because my childhood holidays were taken on the island of Arran, where rain was no excuse not to have fun. You just got on with it. As my mum would say, “Last time I checked, your skin was waterproof.” You had just better put on your pac-a-mac and make the best of it. As such, most of my early holiday memories are of shivering in the Scottish sea in a BHS swimsuit, as my mother shouted, “You don’t look like you’re enjoying yourself!” and hypothermia set in. 

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Were there any beach activities you struggled with? 

 

Oh, everything. But I always like to have a go. I was particularly bad at roller-skating in Margate, where a kindly gentleman called Norman held my hand as we wobbled off into the sunset. One low point was playing beach handball with this incredibly fit young group of fellas in Bournemouth. I was so terrible. These lads were twirling and jumping, doing handstands, while I was… well, it was embarrassing. In the end I just asked them to help escort me out. “Help an old lady off the beach!”

 

LUCY THACKRAY

 

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